John Newton - what a legend! A great hymn, expressing profound truth...

I'm posting this hymn because as I said, it expresses profound truth - but it's truth that has really scary implications for me, because I so badly want an easy life. I want to become more like Christ, but resist the cost of that.
I remember about 6 years ago being in a meeting where we were challenged about living a half-hearted Christian life, that this was not enough, that we had to surrender all of our lives, plans, desires to Christ and live totally for Him. I was so struck by this, I asked God to do whatever He needed to do to bring me completely under His lordship, that nothing else would have greater priority in my life, and that He would make me more like Him.
A year after I prayed that prayer my world completely fell apart, my plans for the future all fell through. I'd been convinced that God wanted me to pursue a certain career, but then He slammed the door shut. I was so confused, I didn't know what He was doing.
Then about 6 months after that I had a breakdown. Again, confusion followed, I could no longer trust myself, and nobody around me could understand or help me. There was nothing left but God. But that was when He really began to teach me that He is enough. When everything else fell apart, it was then He showed me that I actually didn't need any of those things, I just needed Him.
I've had five years of clinical depression now. I've had periods of complete blackness and despair, of emotional numbness, of being suspicious of everyone around me. All this while being in uni, someow studying for a degree and having leadership responsibility in the CU, and on Relay, with all that that involves. God has put me in situations I knew I couldn't possibly cope with. But here I am - He's sustained me through everything. And He's taught me again and again that He is enough. When I can trust no-one, when I don't know what's going on in my head or my emotions, when I can't take anymore, He has kept me. I've seen more of His faithfulness, grace, sufficiency and gentle care over the past four years than I ever did before.
This is not how I would have chosen my life to go - I'm a coward, and I shy away from any kind of hardship. But praise God that He overrules my plans in order to show me more of Himself, and bring me under His lordship.
So, after that longwinded intro, here's Newton's hymn...

I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace,
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek more earnestly His face.

Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He, I trust, has answered prayer:
But it has been in such a way
As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favoured hour
At once He'd answer my request;
And, by His love's constraining power,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel
The hidden evil of my heart
And let the angry power of hell
Assault my soul in every part.

Yea, more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe,
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

'Lord, why is this?' I trembling cried,
'Wilt Thou pursue Thy worm to death?'.
'Tis in this way' the Lord replied,
'I answer prayer for grace and faith.

'These inward trials I employ,
From self and pride to set thee free,
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou mayest seek they all in Me.'